Anxiety

It starts as a swirling,

A tingle in my teeth.

It grows into a trembling,

Rising from beneath

my clenched and twisted hands,

Fingers intertwined to keep me safe.

A force squeezes my heart,

I recognise the signs. Too late.

A burning in my lungs

like I’m breathing fire into this thing.

My breath catches, shallow

My mind begins to sing.

But not with happiness

with negativity,

With evil thoughts and words.

My voice is lost, drowned out.

My soul cannot be heard.

Breaking down my spirit,

Feeding on my calm,

Pushing me closer to the edge,

Raising my internal alarm.

Doubt becomes my long lost cousin.

Fear my only friend.

This tornado of effects keeps building.

I fear it will never end.

Anxiety is my shadow

lurking where others cannot see.

No one knows, it’s always watching,

Hiding. Invisible. Inside of me.

I can’t find a way to defeat it,

As it tries to crush my soul.

But I battle. Every. Single. Day.

To keep it under control.

Untitled (it’s too new)

Cover me in happiness

To take away my pain

Dare to brave my iciness

To ease my eternal shame

Smother all my darkness

With a pillow laced with “fine”

Empty all my shadows

And fill them up with wine

Carry out my anger

Don’t leave it by the door

Take it far away from me

I don’t need it anymore

Collect up all my tears

Use them to water my heart

Put up walls of protection

To keep us worlds apart

Understand my distance

Know it keeps me whole

But hold me close and whisper

“You’re not a broken soul”

The Wall

The wall grew.

Slowly,

Brick by brick

But no one saw.

The bricks;

Each one a broken promise:

An insult.

A cruel smile.

Devoid of love.

Carefully placed to protect,

Invisible

but

Permanent.

No one wanted to climb it

No one could see how high it had grown

No one cared enough to try.

And so it grew,

In secret,

Twisted with thorns,

Shielded by ice.

A Great Wall of shame,

Inner turmoil,

Overwhelming sadness,

And there she waited:

Hoping,

Wishing,

Someone would see,

Someone would try,

But nobody did.

And so the wall closed in.

A cold familiar hug;

To keep out the world.

To keep out the hurt.

The wall would never break.

Not like her fallen heart.

Dad ❤️

I dream of you until I fall asleep,

I pray that where you are the pain has gone.

I thought I was so strong, but I am weak,

Crushed by tears I have held in far too long.

I thought that I was ready for goodbye,

But that couldn’t be further from the truth,

And as these tears cascade from my eyes,

I understand the pain has not reduced.

I was under no illusion, it would hurt,

But not in the ways it rears its woeful head,

A song on the radio on the way to work,

A phrase or word you once would have said.

I miss you. It’s so hard for me to share.

I feel like I’m not expected to be sad.

Everyone says I had time to be prepared.

But you can never be prepared to lose your Dad.

I miss the way that you would always grumble,

About the little things that you heard on the news,

Worked hard all your life and remained humble,

You were such a good Dad; and so hard to lose.

Everything feels heavier without you,

The world’s a little greyer than before,

It’s all the little things I miss about you,

Like no more goodbye waves from the front door.

No more grumpy texts about your tool box,

No more tea and biscuits in the garden,

No more thank you messages in my inbox,

It’s the “no mores” that seem to make it harder.

I understand the pain is partly guilt,

A knowledge that there was more that I could have done,

Without you my world feels like it’s been tilted,

But this pain I can’t share with anyone.

Grief is the price we pay for love,

The weight in my heart is from the hole you left behind,

Even when I’m keeping myself busy,

Thoughts of you are never far from my mind.

An Unquiet Mind

I wish I could quiet my mind, quiet the rain that is drowning my soul.
Everything is heavy, everything is harder than it should be.
I am drowning and land is nowhere to be found.

I wish I could shut out the darkness, the shadows that are crushing my heart.
Everything is dark, everything is fading to nothing.
I am falling and the sun is a distant memory.

18.01.2016

The Shadows of a Shattered Soul

A light, shines down from the sky; illuminating the dark corners of the mind,
shadows dancing to a tuneless song, whispers on the breeze of a nameless sorrow.
A city and a heart that never sleeps. A pain so deep it does not waver or forget,
A life so lost it cannot see; a soul so dark it cannot breathe.
A storm, crashes down from the sky, washing away the hopes of days to come,
dreams singing a wordless tune, haunted by churning dreams of endless fear.
A voice and a melody that never dies. A chorus so empty it does not bleed or wither,
A smile so damaged it cannot win; a love so broken it cannot feel.
A snowflake, falls down from the sky; protecting the world from twisted words,
memories drowning to a selfless prayer, overwhelmed by nights of sleepless sorrow.
A future and a hope that does not dream. A beauty so withered it does not age or die,
A darkness so deep it cannot see; a nightmare so harsh it cannot breathe.
A light, shines down from the sky; illuminating the shadows of a shattered soul,
tormented laughter in a colourless world, shattered to pieces by a heartless crime.
A spirit and a time that does not live. A wound so cruel it does not heal or love,
A life so lost it cannot speak; a soul so dark it cannot shine.

forgottonspirit    [26.09.2019]

The walls of the mind

A wall of silence, falls and crushes all thoughts
Slamming against the words waiting to get out
Crawling, scrabbling, wanting to be heard, unable to break free.
A wall of words, crashes against the soul
An assault of the worst kind
Destructive words, words that crumble
Words that shatter and scream, deafening the senses.
A wall of nothing, an invisible barrier,
preventing the inside voices from escaping.
A shield, a forcefield with evil intentions.
A basement of confusion, struggling with reality.

forgottonspirit (29.11.15)

The darkness within

Shadows fall over the soul
like a curtain to black out the sun
like a blindfold to conceal the truth
like an umbrella to shield from the storm.

Darkness beats in the heart
drumming along to the tune of despair
like heavy footsteps against the world
like raindrops on a broken dreams.

Misery calls out in the night
like a ghost haunting the darkness
like a mountain after a landslide
like a boat lost at sea.

The broken smile

A smile, half cracked by broken dreams and destroyed by unhappiness.
A whisper of delusion; an empty rose on a shattered window sill.
A beautiful disaster of endless wandering; an unfulfilled wish desperate to break free.
A miracle of blackness; a tragic passion of deadly justice, a lack of peace.
A rain of undetermined wonder; a puddle of endless longing, a destiny of frozen shadows.
A notion of wilted responsibilities; a diamond of dark intentions unable to breathe.
A firefly of gloom and disaster; a hole of crimson tears drowning in deafening silence.

forgottonspirit (28.11.15)

Abominable sorrow

Endless whispers break against the walls of the heart, flow against the rivers of the soul. A peaceful place, burdened by unimaginable sorrow, protected by a maze of dead ends and twisting thorns.